20180201 in the wee hours
It's something I've always struggled with. Most people have the impression that I don't hold onto burdens, and often this is true. One offense is easy to laugh off. I often look back and am abused at my own feelings of offense. After all, we have all had times when we were grumpy, hurt, uncomfortable, and impulsive. Most interactions with strangers or acquaintances are not taken personally, even positive ones.
However, when there is a pattern in these interactions - and this is more likely with a closer relationship - then I begin to build a resistance and expectation - predicting bad behavior and steeling myself for it ahead of time, even days in advance - until at times it becomes a permanent way of relating to this person. Even when I voice my dislike and the person expresses surprise and eventually remorse for the interaction, I will begin to shield myself.
This is a survival mechanism that has saved me many times from people close to me who are manipulative, emotionally abusive, unstable, and toxic. No matter how much I may care for and love this person, I find myself creating distance - sometimes realizing this only after my attachment has turned to bitterness or worse yet cold objective detachment.
Now I am engaged to a beautiful human being. He makes mistakes. He says hurtful things. He is sometimes reluctant to admit to being hurtful. But he genuinely wants to treat me well and tries to moderate his own behavior to build a healthier relationship. I love him - but then tonight I found myself predicting hurtful behavior aloud to him, telling him that he often holds in frustration and then lashes out in hurtful ways... and that he will do so if we don't mitigate it now
I was surprised at finding myself explaining this as if I was expecting it next week, like a weather forecast. And he does not do this regularly. I wonder if I am steeling myself. And I wonder if I am also hurting him out of some pre-preemptive retaliation. I don't want to cut myself off from him. But how do I trust him not to hurt me when I know it's inevitable?
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Is part of me scared? Is this because of my past experiences? I worry that one day his love will dry out. I worry that my trust in him will be broken. Ultimately, I worry that I am not worthy enough for love - and that therefore I cannot depend on love. When did these worries start? Are they from my scars from a relationship that degraded my self-worth? Are they from an underlying depressive tendency? Are they from the way I was raised? I don't know.
All I know is - I love him. And part of that is trusting and being present - even if it makes me vulnerable - even if I am scared. Trusting him means giving him the benefit of the doubt. Being present means letting go of the past.
And I know he loves me. And his love is supportive, kind, and generous. I want to celebrate it freely.
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